MCain Campaign to Pirhanas: No Biting the ‘Cuda!!!

Why would we want to throw Sarah Palin into a cycle of piranhas called the news media that have nothing better to ask questions about than her personal life and her children?  So until at which point in time we feel like the news media is going to treat her with some level of respect and deference, I think it would be foolhardy to put her out into that kind of environment.”

-McCain finance manager Rick Davis, speaking on Fox News Sunday

Davis’s remarks bring to mind what must be the oldest of a venerable genre:  the lawyer joke. 

 So it seems that two sharks are circling a boat when a man falls overboard.  Shark #1 swims up to the man, opens his mouth so as to devour him.  Man pulls out a business card and waves it in front of the shark:  “Chester Schnoggs, Esq., Attorney at Law.”   Shark closes mouth and swims back to Shark #2

Shark #2:  What’s up?  I thought we were hungry.

Shark #1:  Couldn’t do it.  Professional courtesty.

Rick Davis wants the pirhanas of the press to show a little love to the the newly annointed Chief Attack-Fish  of the GOP.  Here, reported for the first time, is a demonstration of the lengths to which the McCain campaign are stretching to rein in the press corps.

                                         CONFIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM

To:              Liberal Eastern media elites

From:          Rick Davis, Campaign Manager, McCain for President

Subject:      Guidelines for press interaction with Gov. Palin

After my appearance on the Mother Channel last Sunday, it occurred to me that many of you are  recent graduates of Pihrana School, where topics such as “respect” and “deference” are no longer taught.  It would be so great to go back to the old days–like in the spring–when you and Sen. McCain couldn’t get enough of each other.  You were our base, for chrissake.  We thought the nasty coverage that you gave Hillary was just because you were in the tank for The One.  But now that you have revealed yourselves to be sexist, venomous vipers, our relationship must change.

That doesn’t mean we won’t help you, though.   In an effort to assist as you ply your vile, divisive trade, I have listed below some example questions which will be suitable for any audience with the next Vice President of the United States.  You will know you have deviated unacceptably from this line of questioning if Gov. Palin crosses her wrists in front of her face like Lynda Carter in Wonder Womanand says, “you’ve never seen an angy hockey mom, have you?!”  That will be your cue to bow and walk backwards from the room.

Gov. Palin, why do you love America so much?

What’s your favorite:  the Star Spangled Banner, God Bless America, or America the Beautiful?

What do you think the Terrorists hate most about America:  our freedom, or our family values?

When you and the Dude met, was it love or first sight, or did you make him sweat a little?  He’s so dreamy!

When you kiss the First Dude, doesn’t his moustache tickle? 

Do you worry that if the First Dude has to become Second dude he’ll feel, like, bummed?

What’s your favorite kind of carcass to gut?

What’s the fastest you’ve ever been on a snowmobile?

What’s the best thing about John McCain:  that he’s a war hero, or such a straight talker?

I looked on a map an noticed that Russia is practically right next door to your state.  Aren’t you afraid that, once you’re no longer Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard, Russia will invade Alaska?  Or do you think they’ll stay put because they know that we’re such a godly country?

Do you think Jesus loves everyone equally, even the Terrorists?  Why do you love Jesus so much?

When you shoot a wolf out of helicopter, do you have to take your seat belt off?  Isn’t that scary?

Technically speaking, doesn’t every bridge have to go somewhere?


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