Momentum Builds to Draft Fiorna as McCain VP Pick

Dana Milbank’s speculation on the possibility of failed HP CEO Carly Fiorina as John McCain’s running mate

is really just too delicious for words.  This quote is straight from the “Can’t Make This Stuff Up” department:

“Fiorina, for her part, couldn’t be any more plain about her vice presidential ambitions without taking out an ad. “I’ve been advocating on his behalf for about a year,” she told the 30 reporters at the breakfast after USA Today‘s Susan Page asked the running-mate question. “I’ve spent the last three-plus years getting involved in a variety of issues in a variety of government departments, whether it’s the Defense Department or the Central Intelligence Agency or the State Department. . . . There are things that government can borrow and learn from business.”

Well, Lordy be.  Here I thought that Carly was just quietly clipping coupons and  investing her $42,000,000.00 “don’t let the door hit you” payment from the HP shareholders, along with the advance from her truly wretched, blame-everyone-but me book:

(surely there were no royalties beyond the advance).  But no!  She’s been hanging out, “getting involved in issues, ” with Gates over at Defense!  She’s also helping out at CIA.  *And* State!!  She’s learnin’ ’em, and they’re a borrowin’ as fast as they can!  Ladies and gentlemen:  how……does……she…….do it all!!!??? 

Oy galloy.  Someone should throw a tent over this woman.  She has always been a one-person promotional circus, and not a lot more.  Just ask her shareholders at HP, who saw the stock lose 75% on her watch, after her timely bail from Lucent where she presided over the finances of what turned out to be a complete mess.   And as far as I know, HP hasn’t missed a  quarter under the new leadership of Mark Hurd.

John McCain will not pick Carly Fiorina, because John McCain is not deranged.   But if he were to go the failed-CEO route, why not just back up the truck and square his inner circle with so-called business types (did Carly mention that she was from business??) who have some redeeming to do:

Treasury:  Angelo Mozillo, CEO Countrywide.  An obvious choice, as he has his finger on the pulse of the subprime crisis (as well as all ten fingers in the cookie jar).

Council of Economic Advisors:  Paris Hilton.  You magazine reports her income last year as $187million.  Granted, the head of forensic accounting at You  would not comment, citing other, pressing duties (“Look, pal.  You have no idea how many chai lattes these biyatches drink.”)  With the economy en el arroyo hondo, the new POTUS must  do something quick and daring on the consumer confidence front in the absence of much raw material.  Mr. President:  this is your girl.

Health and Human Services:  Richard Scrushy, former CEO, Healthsouth.  Say no more.  The guy who got thrown out of Krispy Kreme would also be a reasonable choice.

Energy:  Jeff Skilling.  Easily the smartest guy in *this* room.  While overqualified for the job, he does have time on his hands.

CIA:  The Olsen twins.  Medvedev, Ahmedinejad, bin Laden–they will never know what hit them.  Confusion to the enemy!

Homeland Security:  Jimmy “Nero” Cayne.  As CEO of Bear Stearns, was playing tournament bridge as Bear hedge funds collapsed.  As chairman, was playing tournament bridge as entire firm collapsed.   Rugged consistency and calm under pressure–the markings  of a true leader.

Education:  Michael Milken.  As long as we’re allowing convicted felons, you have to admit that the former king of junk has tried to redeem himself here.

Defense:  David Stockman.  Former Reagan budget director and CEO of bankrupt Collins & Aikman.  Backup:  Rick Wagoner, CEO, GM.  In the Bob McNamara tradition of great SecDefs from the automotive industry.

State:  Rebecca Marks.  Almost bankrupted Enron with her disaster in India, before the fellas back in Houston did it for her.

Commerce:  Jack, the television Chief Executive Officer of Jack in the Box.  He might not take the job, but if I were McCain I’d really try to convince him.  Someone would need to lend credibility to these clowns


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